5 Reasons Affair Clarity Might Not Be Right for You
1. The affair is not over. To begin rebuilding trust, the affair must be over.
Note to the Straying Partner: Tell your partner the truth about the status of your affair. If it is still ongoing, the best thing you can do is enter couple’s therapy with an affair recovery expert, so your partner has support, and the two of you have a mediator to help you communicate during this time.
Don’t tell your partner the affair is over if it’s not. When they find out the truth later (and they almost always will), this creates a double break in trust that is even harder to recover from.
One of the best ways to bring a trained therapist with expertise in affair recovery onto your team: Search https://www.psychologytoday.com/ in your area and select the ‘Infidelity’ category filter.
2. The Straying Partner takes a minimizing, denying, or blaming approach to the affair.
Note to the Straying Partner: You can overcome this one. If you’ve ended your affair, you’ve accomplished something difficult. An affair often fosters the part of you that didn’t get enough airtime in your former life. Letting that go is hard. While you can learn to incorporate that part of yourself into your everyday life with your partner, the journey there takes commitment and consistency.
But if your goal is to rebuild trust, it’s important not to minimize, deny, or blame the impact of your affair on your partner. Your historic relationship dynamics will be important to address, in Stage 2. How those dynamics impacted you specifically is valid, and will be heard, in Stage 2.
But right now, your partner is struggling with the emotional fallout from a major break in trust. To stabilize the situation so productive work can take place, you need to commit to understanding and validating your partner’s feelings. And do more than just listen. Ask questions about your partner’s experience and join them in the process of learning about affairs and affair recovery. This is the core work of Stage 1, Stabilization. You’ll find support for all this in the Affair Clarity program.
Read Dr. Wilson’s complete Letter to the Straying Partner here.
3. There is domestic violence within the relationship.
Trust can’t rebuilt within the context of domestic violence. If you are experiencing domestic violence, please reach out for support at the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
Phone: 800-799-7233
Text: BEGIN to 88788
Website: https://www.thehotline.org/
4. There is substance abuse or dependence within the relationship.
Trust can’t rebuilt within the context of substance abuse or dependence. If you or your partner is experiencing substance abuse or dependence you can reach out for support at these national help lines:
Phone: 800-662-4357 or 866-210-1303
Text: Text your zip code to HELP4U
Website: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/helplines/national-helpline
5. There is a mental health diagnosis within the relationship that requires ongoing treatment.
Trust can absolutely be rebuilt within the context of a mental health diagnosis that requires ongoing treatment. But it’s beneficial to have live, expert support in the room. Consider bringing a trained therapist with expertise in affair recovery onto your team. One of the best ways to do this: Search https://www.psychologytoday.com/ in your area and select the ‘Infidelity’ category filter.
